Well, it's time to downsize and send some of your jobs overseas. I was making 7 figures as your CEO, but I really want 8 or 9, so we have to maximize profits at all costs. So to you, my employees, I have some good news and some bad news.
Half of you are losing your jobs.
For those of you who are staying on, the good news is that you still have a job. The bad news is that you now have twice the work to do and a bunch of people who are willing to do your job if you don't like it. So you can forget about ever getting a raise.
For those of you who are being laid off, the good news is that you will receive unemployment compensation for a while. The bad news is that you are all now lazy, unmotivated, undeserving people who are destroying America. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Don't complain. When you all become CEO's, you can treat people like this too.
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